Swingers Encounter

Interesting weekend....and yet a pretty normal NYC saturday night. While trying to pick up the bartender and chatting with my friend (I'm a great multi-tasker), we were approached by an old bald guy. Being open-minded to conversations with any unpretentious jerk in the city, we joined a very amusing conversation. That old bald guy was hilarious, he had us rolling on the floor. After about 20 minutes, he introduced us to his wife who was engaged in a conversation with other people on the other side of the bar. She pulled up a chair and kept the entertainment going.

All was great until my friend got up to use the ladies room, and while she was gone, old bald man put his hand upon my knee, gave it a squeeze...asked me if I had a boyfriend...and gave me a filthy wink. I said no, and he shouted "Damn it" very loud, and then it hit me....I encountered my first Swingers invitation!

I immediately jumped up and ran towards the bathroom, and before I could get there, my friend grabbed me and gave me the same look of shock on her face as I had given her. Then we simultaneously shouted to each other "They're Swingers!!!" - and we ran out of there faster than men run away from commitment!! While we jumped in a cab, she told me that the wife followed her into the bathroom and made a move on her and asked her to come home with them. I'm born and raised in NYC and very little ever shocks me, but this shocked me! I should've known they would be "that couple" they were both unattractive, chubby, aging and exactly the kind of couple you never want to picture naked.

Weird - I've been picked up by lesbians, gay men, transvestites, straight women and once by a one-eyed hobo, but these swingers will always stand out among the rest! Thanks Kate and John for the laughs, but you scared the crap out of me!

Psycho Poet

Ok, so here's Jerry, met him over a year ago at a random party that I crashed with a friend. I will never crash another random party again. No psycho bells and whistles went off so I thought I was in the clear and after a couple of phone calls and emails, we went on one date. It was nice, no sparks, but eventful and pleasant. Worth the free meal. After that date, he called me the next day and he recited a poem that he wrote for me....um, what? Yes, a poem. Now maybe some girls like this kind of retardation but that is the last thing I want to hear. Especially after one date, come on! I won't bore you with the details of this dumb ass 3rd grade poem, but I basically put the phone down and turned on the tv. When it was done, I said "thank you but i gotta go."

I stopped taking his calls or returning his messages, hoping he'd eventually get the message. UNTIL....about 8 months later, he send me a text message...another poem! Now this time, I was on a date, and I couldn't help but show him this dumb text. Mean, yes, but he left himself open for that. Later that night I met up with some girl friends for drinks and showed them all my text. They all agreed, it was CREEEEEEEEPY!

"Seasons grow cold, children grow old, blah, blah, blah...etc"

I'd like to warn any guys out there about their text messages to me, be careful what you type because I will laugh at you with my friends, dates, family, strangers on line at duane reade, starbucks and my co-workers...so be careful with whom you recite dumb-ass lyrics to.

Note to Creepy ass poem guy....step away from the pen and just stick to your day job 'cuz you're freaking out all of the women in NYC!!

Good Reads and Shirtless Jake Gyllenhall

Just wanted to pass along some good online reads because I hate Mondays and Don't feel like writing anymore press releases:

Some interesting 10 Ten Dating Tips for relationships. I'm not sure if I necessarily agree with them, but then again, I'm not in a relationship. However they are missing one important tip that would no doubt be verrry useful to any couple and that is - how do I do the donkey move on one leg without losing my balance on heels as he is grabbing my hair? I almost dislocated a disc last time! Anyway, check out the boring tips here: Yahoo Dating Tips

In other related sex-position updates, check out Cosmo and their hot archives and see what you've done and what you're missing out on. I didn't know what I did last month was called the Pinwheel and one of my favorite workouts is the Head Game and Couch Canoodle! Funny, they don't have the donkey...hmmm. Well check it out anyway at Cosmo.com

NY Daily news reported last week that some psycho female was beating on her man. LOl. Not that it's right but it takes a secure man to really go to the police and file a domestic violence suit against a woman. She looks like some anorexic model, he can't just tell the bitch to step off and move on? I guess there are some crazy bitches out there too! NY Daily News

Which leads me to my advice for Rhianna - girlfriend, you have the total upper hand in this sitch. I'm sure you have your issues just like everyone else and maybe you like to throw some punches, but you need to step away from the wife-beaters! If I were you, I'd have a massive press conference in the middle of Times Square and layout all the dirt on Brown, Hell, I'd go on Oprah and tell her just what kind of scum bag he is. And then I'd write a book, make some more money, dedicate a whole album to girl beaters and go on tour and call it "Laughing My Way To The Bank Ex-Beater Brown."

On a sweeter note, here's a hot 'N sexy pic of a shirtless jake gyllenhall. mmmmm.

A Rambling Pet Peeve of Mystery

Ok, big lou drives me crazy, and not in the "I can't wait to see him again" kind of way but in the "what is he saying" kind of way. He's extremely huge (in every way possible), bodyguard by night, i could climb him (in every way possible) and great with his hands - has nothing to do with the situation at hand, but I love to describe his zeus-like figure. But we're both busy peeps so we text each other more than we speak. Which is actually the way I like it. Keeps things simple.

Everynow and then he send me a text message during the day saying hello and misses me (with a question mark). And on the weekends, he's up all hours of the night working and texting me around midnight, saying "just wanted to say hi and hope i have a great weekend (with a question mark)" and sometimes he just says "big kisses ?"

OK -- what's with the question marks? If you say hello, end it accordingly, and don't use an irrational question mark. does he not know how to use a period at the end of a sentence? is he drunk and stupid? is he just stupid? Whatever it is, it's driving me crazy and I know it shouldn't bother me, but if you make a statement, end it appropriately. Don't say "hi sweetie ?" that just makes NO sense!

And for the record, I'll still tap that, but I won't be settling down with someone who doesn't know the difference between a period and a question mark!! i'm just saying...

Why French Men Don't Get Caught....

I came across this article in Best Life magazine and thought it was an interesting read...must share with you all, Enjoy!

Why French Men Don’t Get Caught
In America, a lapse in monogamy ruins marriages, bankrupts couples, and condemns families to divorce-court hell. In Europe and elsewhere, infidelity is considered a bump in the road, if it's considered at all. Here's why....

Best Life Magazine - Frenchies

Girl Interrupted

I was MIA, getting caught up in work and dumb men, am now drama-free (more or less) and have much to tell. We now bring you back to our regularly scheduled program.


(SIGH) lots of crazy men from the past few months, how did I become such a magnet! For starters, I went out on about 3 dates with a chef who seemed to have a good head on his shoulders. Jerry was very respectful and chivalrous, very gentleman-like. However, there was no heat so I stuck him in the friend zone but he did not like that very much. One day, he called me after he got out of work and of the blue and started talking dirty. That was hot! But it was just a one time thing...or was it. I stopped communicating with him so I never called him. He called me again a few weeks later and we had another sex talk. It lost its luster and I was done with it and with him. I'm beginning to see a new side of him. He continued to text me and email me trying to get me to phone him but I never did. I cut it off once again, stopped taking his calls and never reached out.

SIX months later, he continued calling me, texting me and emailing me. Once, a male friend of mine even got on the phone with him and told him to stop calling me. So sad but, he continued to call and text me and now...ONE YEAR later, he requested me as a friend on facebook....WTF?? Why would I want to be "friends" with a man i dated and hardly know on my private site in which i only disclose and share things with my real, true, dear friends? Jerry, jerry, jerry, you just don't get it.

I AM JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU DUDE!

Oh Holy Hot In Hell

I'd like to thank the scandalous gods of the internet who have uncovered all of Javier Bardem's best assets.....what a FINE man he is! Oh yea, and not a bad actor either.

More pics found on DLISTED.com

Psycho Alert

My radar is going off like bells and whistles...there is a new psycho in the area! I met John four days ago, at a bar (i never learn my lesson) and I stupidly gave him my phone number (i need an intervention).

He called me the following day and we talked for about an hour, he's nice and funny, but something was missing. Then he called me again the next day, we only spoke for about 30 minutes and I had to get off because I was meeting friends. He asked me to call him when I get home, no matter how late (um okay that's weird). I got home late and drunk and did not want to talk to him.

The very next morning, he sends me a text message....at about 9am on a saturday (WTF). I was hung over and not in the mood, so he lost all kinds of points. Then later he called with a restricted number and I picked up (like an idiot). I cut him off after about 15 minutes because I had to run out and meet some friends. Today (day four), he called in the morning, then around noon, then again about 15 minutes ago (pulling my hair out)..WTF!

I'm only surprised that he turned crazy so quickly, I didn't even see this one coming.....I feel like he might just shave his head and enter rehab or something! Just step away from the phone and take your pills John, all will be okay soon.

Cheaters

The other day I was watching the hilarious TV show, Cheaters, and thought how lucky I was that the show didn't exist when I dated Henry. He was cheating on me with my best friend, Shavon, who's boyfriend (Tony) secretly sent me roses every week. But when I found out, all hell did not break loose, I just walked away from everyone. And I never looked back.

And although I never got to knock anyone out, or rip anyone's head off, or bash anyone against the wall, or kick anyone's nuts, I definitely had the last laugh. And after a few rounds of Tequila Sunrise (my drink of choice at the time) I realized my life was less stressful and much happier. I was especially smitten after everyone found out that skanky cheating slut, Shavon, was pregnant and didn't know who the father was! Yea, they definitely belonged on Jerry Springer. And Henry, well I already described his post-traumatic break-up psycho story about how he stalked me the following year (crazy cheating psychos always return with a vengeance).

In the end, it was my female intuition that led me to the conclusion that Henry was definitely creepin around....and since men are stupid, it was easy to get it out of him. But for those of you who may need some extra help, I came across this article from one of my favorite blogs: Dave Zinczenko's Mysteries of the Sexes Explained

It's an eye-opener, but I don't totally buy it all, it's the female intuition that is much more reliable! Just make sure you change your phone number after you break up with his lying dumb ass!

Post Valentines Ramblings

Happy Belated Valentines' Day!

I hope everyone had a great day celebrating love. I woke up to a few text messages of non-crazy love wishes, which made my day. All day long, love was in the air, I saw roses and chocolates and teddy bears being delivered and it warmed my little grinch heart. But my favorite part of the day was during work while I was stressed out trying to manage all my difficult clients, I received a Valentine's Day e-card from a dear friend....and it is my all-time favorite card, ever!

After I called it quits on my stressful work day, I met up with a friend and had some drinks while we discussed Valentine's ghosts of past, present and future. And then we topped it off with my current situation with a possible future psycho in the brewing. I think I should nip it in the bud now (but then again I never learn my lesson), when all of a sudden I laid my eyes on what could be my future ex-boyfriend. Oh boy was he delicious! To quote Vince Vaughn, "he just eye-fucked the shit out of me!" Note to self: go back to that bar and get his status.

I eventually stumbled home and contemplated breaking out the rabbit but I fell asleep before I can finish my thought - boo. So that was my day this year....all in all a pretty good Valentine's Day. Much better than the time when I waited all night for my boyfriend to come home but instead he was busy screwing my best friend. But that's another story and I would have to dig up the old police report for fact-checking.

SEX DIARIES - NY MAG

Oh and I have to introduce you to my favorite new ramblings from NY Magazine, entitled simply "Sex Diaries." If you haven't checked it out yet, I strongly advise it, it sure puts a huge smile on my face! I can especially relate to their recent posting which includes:

- 10 p.m.: Contemplate masturbating, pass out before I can summon the strength to find my vibrator.

- 2:46 p.m.: Potential BF and I emerge from bedroom after hour-long sex. Love the fact that he doesn't seem to need/want anal.

and my favorite:

-6:48 p.m.: Vent to best friend, agree to refrain from taking his calls. Fall asleep remembering the way he could flip me across the bed with one hand.


You can read the full story here:
http://nymag.com/daily/intel/2008/02/the_multiorgasmic_woman_testdr.html#more


Hope Everyone got some Hot Piece of Ass!!