Two For One Special

A lot of my friends still talk to their exes and are all still friendly with them, this to me is a foreign concept considering the fact that almost all of my exes are crazier than any of Britney's personalities. But then there are also the general idiots that while they are not crazy - they remain an "ex" for a reason and there is no reason to ever contact them.

One particular ex attained both special qualities of being an idiot and a psycho - I got the two for one special that day. That was David and because we dated for a while, we knew each other pretty well and had a great time together. At least until one night when he started hitting on a good friend of mine and asked her for her number....while in my home, and in my presence! Such a fucking idiot. So after everyone left that night, David stayed behind and expected to have sex. Umm....are you fucking kidding me?? He actually had the audacity to tell me that he didn't think that I would mind or care. Okay, so maybe he was a little bit more delusional than I thought, that's actually putting it nicely because I called him lots of things that night in many different vocabularies and languages for that matter.

After about six months and many failed attempts, David finally stopped contacting me. But it only lasted a while until I got a couple of 'drunk and dial' messages from him in the middle of the night; he left messages of PORN videos playing in the background. Yup, that's right, PORN with girls screaming in the background either "fuck me now" or just screaming to God and just shouting the general "yes, fuck me harder!"

What is wrong with you?

Okay crazy, take your pills and step away from the porn videos. Get a girlfriend (the kind that doesn't blow up) and move on.

On a scale of one to crazy - he ranked pretty high on my list!

Worst Date With Ed The Prick

So one of my friends does the online dating thing and she was telling me about one of her worst date experiences...I don’t do the online dating thing because I meet enough crazy psychos every day. Unfortunately, I can still top her worst date.

I met this idiot, Ed, at a bar after my friends and I drank a lot...big mistake. He called me a couple days later and he seemed to have a sense of humor, so I figured I would give it a shot. Well, it was around the Holidays and the tree at Rockefeller was being lit that night, so went there first. I know, it’s a korny date, but I wanted to see the tree because I heart Christmas and wish I could have a huge tree in my apt. Anyway, he seemed very nice and polite and charming and chivalrous, that is until we went to dinner and started drinking. He started pounding beers….many beers, and soon enough, he was as lit as the tree that night. His real true colors started to shine and when he laughed, he squealed as loudly as the pig he turned out to be. He was such an asshole and obnoxious and pompous and arrogant and just as I was conjuring up an idea of how to leave early...his arrogance got in the way and he made a bet to see how many girls he can actually pick up in one night. Sweet! -- I immediately got all gitty because I knew that he was gonna go down in flames! Hardcore! And I couldn’t wait to see it (insert evil laugh).

So I agreed of course - and he went to the bar and tried to talk to a couple of girls...got shot down each time...and I laughed and laughed... and he got mad and kept trying. So to speed things up a bit, and to continue my own reign of amusement, I went to the bar, made friends with three girls immediately and brought them back to the table. I then triumphantly called Ed over to join us. I also told him that one of them really liked him but that he would have to figure out which one >;) I know I’m evil, but it was well worth it!! So he tried, desperately, and pathetically to make the moves on these girls. They didn’t pay too much attention to him and declared me as one of their BFF’s – I also found out that they lived around the corner from me in Brooklyn. So after Ed bought us all rounds and rounds of drinks and shots...Ed made his last desperate attempt to take us home and said “Hey how about we go back to my place” – quickly everyone started coming up with their excuses as to why they couldn't. At that point, victory was mine and I couldn’t watch this sad little exhibition anymore, I told him I was getting a headache and had to go home. Immediately, the girls got up and all said the same thing and followed me...leaving Ed to himself – with the check and his sad little lonely table. The girls and I wound up going back to Brooklyn together and then we hit the local bar and had a blast. And we made fun of “Ed the Prick” all night long.

Ed continued to call me for a couple of weeks without getting the hint that I wasn’t interested. Until I finally just came right out and said no, and then he had the audacity to say “well, how about we just have sex?”

Idiots, they are all idiots.