Two For One Special

A lot of my friends still talk to their exes and are all still friendly with them, this to me is a foreign concept considering the fact that almost all of my exes are crazier than any of Britney's personalities. But then there are also the general idiots that while they are not crazy - they remain an "ex" for a reason and there is no reason to ever contact them.

One particular ex attained both special qualities of being an idiot and a psycho - I got the two for one special that day. That was David and because we dated for a while, we knew each other pretty well and had a great time together. At least until one night when he started hitting on a good friend of mine and asked her for her number....while in my home, and in my presence! Such a fucking idiot. So after everyone left that night, David stayed behind and expected to have sex. Umm....are you fucking kidding me?? He actually had the audacity to tell me that he didn't think that I would mind or care. Okay, so maybe he was a little bit more delusional than I thought, that's actually putting it nicely because I called him lots of things that night in many different vocabularies and languages for that matter.

After about six months and many failed attempts, David finally stopped contacting me. But it only lasted a while until I got a couple of 'drunk and dial' messages from him in the middle of the night; he left messages of PORN videos playing in the background. Yup, that's right, PORN with girls screaming in the background either "fuck me now" or just screaming to God and just shouting the general "yes, fuck me harder!"

What is wrong with you?

Okay crazy, take your pills and step away from the porn videos. Get a girlfriend (the kind that doesn't blow up) and move on.

On a scale of one to crazy - he ranked pretty high on my list!

Renaldo The Idol

This guys is AWESOME!! I think I dated him once...
He's a different kinda crazy!

When To Dump Him

I just read this article about 'when it's time to your boyfriend'....and I have to say it was definitely my chuckle of the day. I mean the article doesn't say anything that a woman shouldn't already know, come on if your man has two phones and ignores you....umm yea it's time to go. But then again, I would just stop returning phone calls when I was done with a guy. Once I even waited for my boyfriend to return from vacation to tell him that I started dating someone else. What -- I thought that we were on a break? Well, in my defense, we didn't see too much of each other and he was a little dumb - okay extremely dumb. He just happened to make up for it in other ways ;)

Anyway, back to my story - one of my ex-boyfriends once missed Valentine's Day, without a phone call and didn't even give a proper explanation or apology. He actually told me that he "fell asleep." Yes, that is what he told me. I knew he was obviously screwing some little tramp. So I just calmly and collectively told him that I was done with him and his sorry ass - and I threw the diamond bracelet he gave me down the sewer. I wish I had a camera because the look on his face was priceless! And even though he stalked me for a year, beat up my next boyfriend and threatened my life, Henry eventually got the hint and left me alone.

But I think it was the restraining order that finally made him succumb to our very imminent break up....I'm still not sure.

Anyhow, if you ladies aren't sure when it's time to call it quits....maybe this article will help you out:

When Is It Time To Dump Him? (Men's Helath Magazine)

And girls, in case you didn't already know, they always come back...so beware because the crazy also follows!

Worst Date With Ed The Prick

So one of my friends does the online dating thing and she was telling me about one of her worst date experiences...I don’t do the online dating thing because I meet enough crazy psychos every day. Unfortunately, I can still top her worst date.

I met this idiot, Ed, at a bar after my friends and I drank a lot...big mistake. He called me a couple days later and he seemed to have a sense of humor, so I figured I would give it a shot. Well, it was around the Holidays and the tree at Rockefeller was being lit that night, so went there first. I know, it’s a korny date, but I wanted to see the tree because I heart Christmas and wish I could have a huge tree in my apt. Anyway, he seemed very nice and polite and charming and chivalrous, that is until we went to dinner and started drinking. He started pounding beers….many beers, and soon enough, he was as lit as the tree that night. His real true colors started to shine and when he laughed, he squealed as loudly as the pig he turned out to be. He was such an asshole and obnoxious and pompous and arrogant and just as I was conjuring up an idea of how to leave early...his arrogance got in the way and he made a bet to see how many girls he can actually pick up in one night. Sweet! -- I immediately got all gitty because I knew that he was gonna go down in flames! Hardcore! And I couldn’t wait to see it (insert evil laugh).

So I agreed of course - and he went to the bar and tried to talk to a couple of girls...got shot down each time...and I laughed and laughed... and he got mad and kept trying. So to speed things up a bit, and to continue my own reign of amusement, I went to the bar, made friends with three girls immediately and brought them back to the table. I then triumphantly called Ed over to join us. I also told him that one of them really liked him but that he would have to figure out which one >;) I know I’m evil, but it was well worth it!! So he tried, desperately, and pathetically to make the moves on these girls. They didn’t pay too much attention to him and declared me as one of their BFF’s – I also found out that they lived around the corner from me in Brooklyn. So after Ed bought us all rounds and rounds of drinks and shots...Ed made his last desperate attempt to take us home and said “Hey how about we go back to my place” – quickly everyone started coming up with their excuses as to why they couldn't. At that point, victory was mine and I couldn’t watch this sad little exhibition anymore, I told him I was getting a headache and had to go home. Immediately, the girls got up and all said the same thing and followed me...leaving Ed to himself – with the check and his sad little lonely table. The girls and I wound up going back to Brooklyn together and then we hit the local bar and had a blast. And we made fun of “Ed the Prick” all night long.

Ed continued to call me for a couple of weeks without getting the hint that I wasn’t interested. Until I finally just came right out and said no, and then he had the audacity to say “well, how about we just have sex?”

Idiots, they are all idiots.

Different Kinda Crazy...

I came across this good old fashioned "dear abbey" style blog and was pretty happy to know I'm not the only one that feels this way. It is actually possible to want to dump a guy who's just TOO into you.

I always feel a little bad when I bring up Adam, he was cute and sweet, very sweet, too freaking sweet. Okay he drove me crazy. He was over enthusiastic every time we hung out, he was always so freaking chipper and he was always telling me how wonderful I was...and that is just a bit much. I was a little bitchy to him, not on purpose, but just because he got so annoying. He lived outside of NY so I thought it would have been perfect because we didn't have to see each other all the time. Yea that's what I thought, however, he called all the damn time, day and night. I didn't want a boyfriend, and all of a sudden, boom, he was introducing me to his friends and family as his girlfriend. Wait, What? We never had that conversation. He would call me whenever he was "in the area" to see if we could meet up for dinner or coffee. OMG, it was just way TOO much and he drove me absolutely insane. Later, I found out that he was telling his brothers and his father and even his uncle about our sex life...umm WTF?

I couldn't get rid of him fast enough. So okay, to him I will always be the "cold-hearted bitch" - from what i hear - but if it went on any longer... i might have suffocated him in the middle of the night with a freaking pillow. I think we both won in the end.

Anyway I'm just so happy that this writer agrees, you can check out there story here: DEAR SUGAR: HE'S TOO INTO ME!

Drama at the Funeral Home

Well, no male psycho stories would be complete without a Gio story. We were together ages ago, for about 3 years...on and off. And it was sweet at first and then it got ugly and then the third time we tried it out again...well, he was a full-fledge psycho. Yea, many stories involve him....but one incident stood out the most. One night he got really pissed off at me because i was going out to a club with my friends...and blah, blah, blah he wound up following me. As the night went on, I saw his face appear through the crowd while I was on the dance floor. No one else saw him and my friends thought i was just drunk. Not the case. Sure enough, we go back to my car, and the window is smashed in. Our purses and wallets and valuables were left in the car, untouched. However a bag with my books were taken. WTF? I didn't understand or know what was going on...but i did see a pack of marlboro cigs that were left in the backseat...i didn't smoke them but i knew who did.

The next day, I received a phone call from the manager of a Funeral home. Yes, Funeral Home. He said that someone dropped off a stack of books on their doorstep that night. He got my number off a note left in a book...I had to go to the Funeral home to pick up my stuff and it was soooo spooky walking in there. I checked out all the pages in the books and I later found the note with my number (not my handwriting) and some creepy words too....well Gio of course denied it forever. Who does that? crazy psycho!

You would think that I would have learned my lesson, but sadly a few months later we tried yet another crazy round. Those stories require a bottle of vodka and some southern comfort, maybe some whiskey....and a shot of tequila...maybe three.

Yup -- sooner or later, the CRAAAAAAZY just comes out and kicks you in the ass!

Loser Complains About Ladies Night

I read this article today and I had to share it with my girls....some loser is crying discrimination and filing a law suit against a couple of night clubs in NYC. He says that "Ladies Nights" are unfair because we get free admission and drinks.....blah, blah, blah.

Do you want some cheese with that whine?!?


I feel bad for whoever ends up with that loser....


read it here...LADIES NIGHT

Actually kinda sweet....

So in going with the spirit of Christmas, I thought I would share with my girls the sweetest Christmas gift I ever got from a boyfriend. Danny was cute and nice, sometimes, and even though we had lots of hurdles in our short-lived path...he did good on xmas. He actually remembered that I had collected a couple of Winnie The Pooh little ceramic chachkis - because I of course love Winnie. He of course, hated Winnie and thought it was retarded and continually made fun of me any chance he could. And one Xmas I got the cutest little Winnie the Pooh gift under my tree. It made me smile and I was happy.

Of course a couple days later he turned back into the asshole that he was, and stopped seeing each other right after the New Year. Oh well, I still have that little thing, maybe I should sell it.

Maybe after the New Year, I'll share the worst gift I ever got....after this joyous Christmas cheer wears off ;)

If Only.....

If only all men looked this good, I think I could easily forgive their stupidity.....wow, I think I need a cigarette....

Ho Ho Ho

Even though I profoundly profess my continued hatred towards men.....I really do love them. I'm a poster child for the "love/hate" relationship. Anyway, words, words, words, let's get down to business. The Holidays are coming, love is all around, time to be merry and spread the Christmas Cheer......so here goes:

Five Reasons why I actually L O V E men:


Number One


Number Two


Number Three


Number Four


Number Five



Holy Hot in Helll......all that I can say.

UUUmm, Are You Kidding?

Okay this story is way overdue, for many reasons.....he followed a previous psycho that i met this summer and ultimately due to my brief hiatus.

I met Richard on my birthday, he bought me a drink and we kept texting each other all night while I was bar hopping. Instant attraction, the typical tall, dark and handsome. After I stumbled into bed at about 5:30am, he sent me the last text message "never got to give you a birthday kiss...let's go out tonight and celebrate your birthday over dinner" So i was drunk but still sober enough to realize a drunken date via text at 5:30 am is not really something I wanted to respond to.

After about two weeks of email exchanges and phone calls...he and his friend met up with me and one of my girlfriends. He went to get a drink, his friend went to the bathroom and some random guy started talking to me and my girlfriend, just friendly chatting and actually he seemed to be interested in my friend. Well after about 30 minutes, I never heard or saw Richard again, until he finally sent me a deranged text message "i saw you talking to another guy, i come out to see you and you start flirting with another guy, so I left."

Okay first of all, are you kidding? And secondly, are you fucking kidding me?

I didn't respond and kept on with my night until he met me outside with some guy who walked me to a cab and started an argument and caused the biggest scene. Psycho Richard finally leaves, and then this stupid idiot who walked me to my cab hopped in and insisted we go back to his place! WTF? Who are you again??? The cab driver eventually had to come over and pull this guy out of the cab.

There may have been a full moon out that night, but it's the only explanation for two psychos in one night.

Men really do suck :P

Son of a Bitch....

He was smart, funny, intelligent, great sense of humor, wonderful smile and warm heart with a perfect personality......and an amazing kisser. He kind of rebuilt my faith in men all over again...at least for the night. And then I find out that he has a girlfriend, or two. (sigh)

WTF!

seriously....men suck.

A Few Reasons Why Men Suck...

Okay most Men just suck at life and I'll tell you three reasons why:

1. They are very dumb.

2. They only think with their penis.

3. They think they can just call you in the middle of the night and leave perverted messages on your voicemail thinking that you will wake up for a useless quickie that was soooo not worth getting out of your warm cozy bed.

listen dumb ass, if a girl doesn't answer your numerous and annoying calls in the middle of the night, there is a reason - Get over it and move on.

Then His Wife Called Me…..

Yea, so John was fun and very cool, he didn’t require a lot of attention and was not put off by my busy schedule – I should have known there was a reason for that. We only dated for about 5 weeks and we spoke once a week and hung out only once a week, it was the perfect situation, and he was a riot to hang out with. Never a dull moment. Things were perfect – that was, until his wife called me yelling and screaming. I honestly had no idea, and once we started talking, she calmed down and I told her exactly where to find her husband on Saturday night, at a restaurant in soho, waiting for me….I’m only sorry that I wasn’t there to see the look on his sorry little face.

Well, he wasn’t crazy – but he was a married dog who should be castrated. The crazy part is that it wasn’t the first time I got a call from someone’s wife --- Seriously this is why I hate men!

Wish I Could Take It Back

I'm sure that we've all had one or two regrets in our love lives... (well I may have more than average) but one in particular sticks out and I really, really, really wish I could take it back. It was my second date with Ed and I got really wasted and made the mistake of going back to my place. It was so terrible, it was really awkward, very quick, and he was so small. What a buzz kill. I immediately told him I had to get up early and kicked him out. Thought I would never hear from him again.

Unfortunately he had the audacity to call the very next night - over and over again. I ignored his calls but the idiot turned crazy quick, and he kept calling every 30 minutes. I had to turn my phone off after he left about 6 messages.

The minute I turned my phone back on, Ed called again. Typical psycho. I picked up and asked him what his problem was....he said in a very crazy voice "Where the fuck were you all night?" "I wanted to come over and see you, I must have called you like five times, why didn't you pick up the phone? I'm so pissed off at you, I drove to your apt and waited!"

Uuummm, WTF? This idiot was clearly playing with a whole different set of cards. I had to change my phone number about a week later.

Yup, sooner or later the crazy just comes out!

Derek Jeter is such a Stalker

Okay, I was out with my girlfriends on Thursday night and who happened to show up, again? None other than my infamous stalker...Derek Jeter. This is the second time he's followed me around the city to see what I'm doing and who I'm talking to. He's a bit of a jealous nut. He is so coy, the way he pretends not to know who I am. And he can't get over the fact that I'm in love with the bodyguard who's there to keep the other girls away from him.

He's obsessed, I may have to get a restraining order.

7 Messages from Jack The Psycho

Remember that scene in the movie Swingers with Jon Favreau leaving ridiculous messages on the girls answering machine? Yea, I totally gave that psycho my number. His name was Jack, and actually we never even went out on a date, I met him at a club and we exchanged numbers. Well, that Monday night I came home to about 7 messages on my machine… all from Jack.

And it started something like this….. “Hi this is Jack, we met on Saturday night and I just wanted to call you and say hi and chat, maybe we can go out for dinner, I know a great place that just opened up and I'd love to take you there. Give me a call and hopefully we can get to know each other.”

2nd Message, about 30 minutes later…. “Hi, it’s Jack again, just checking to see if you’re around, give me a call when you get home, would love to talk to you.”

3rd Message…. “Hi it’s Jack. My friend just came over and we’re cooking some food, I wanted to invite you over for some home cooking, and we can hang out. Okay call me when you get a chance.”

4th Message... “Hi, this is Jack’s friend, Tony, I came over to Jack’s and he’s cooking some dinner and, if you’re around you should come over and join us. Jack is a great guy, you guys should talk. So when you get home, give Jack a call, okay bye.” (with Jack in the background shouting 'call me')

5th message... “Hey, me jack again - my friend left, but if you still want to come over, I have a bottle of wine, umm okay well just call me back.”

6th.... “hey, so I don’t know if you are ignoring me or if you are really busy, but just checking in. ok, call me.”

7th..... “I’m going to bed now and wanted to tell you to ‘go fuck yourself’ and don’t bother calling me!”


Yes girls, all these messages in the course of about 5 hours --- Painful, but true.

WTF - Caller of the Day

I met Peter in a bar a few weeks ago, very brief conversation, he was cute and we exchanged email addresses. And then shortly afterwards, we went on a date. About 5 minutes into our date, I detected a 'red alert' on my 'this guys is crazy' radar. So needless to say, I laughed at his jokes, so that he wouldn't cut my head off and shove me in his trunk, and called it a night - making sure never to call him again . The next week or so, I received about three emails, two texts, two voicemails, and a couple of 'private' numbers on my cell. I just ignored him, as I usually tend to do, until they just get tired and give up.

However, this one went a little bit farther than the usual crazies. I get a phone call this morning - at 5 am- and it's him, Peter. I wanted to tell him off, but I didn't answer it. I later listened to his voicemail and was actually dumbfounded by the clarity of his craziness -- his message was this:

"hi, this is peter, we went out a couple weeks ago and you haven't returned my calls, we had a good time, you giggled...anyway, it's like about 5am and I'm sorry for calling so early, I guess you'll be waking up in an hour or so.....um, just wanted to say that you should have called me back 'cuz you missed out on a really great guy. I met a girl off match and we had sex yesterday, and I didn't think it was appropriate to go out with you again. Just wanted to say you missed out on the 'f*ck' of your life! And...um, have a good start to your week and a great day! And if you ever wanna have a good rock in the hey...well gimme a call sometime 'cuz I'll rock your world! And I know you'll like it -- Ciao"


Okay, WTF??? My radar is always right.

Sooner or later, the crazy just comes out.

(The actual audio will soon be posted and you can all hear it for yourselves!!)