Psycho Alert

My radar is going off like bells and whistles...there is a new psycho in the area! I met John four days ago, at a bar (i never learn my lesson) and I stupidly gave him my phone number (i need an intervention).

He called me the following day and we talked for about an hour, he's nice and funny, but something was missing. Then he called me again the next day, we only spoke for about 30 minutes and I had to get off because I was meeting friends. He asked me to call him when I get home, no matter how late (um okay that's weird). I got home late and drunk and did not want to talk to him.

The very next morning, he sends me a text message....at about 9am on a saturday (WTF). I was hung over and not in the mood, so he lost all kinds of points. Then later he called with a restricted number and I picked up (like an idiot). I cut him off after about 15 minutes because I had to run out and meet some friends. Today (day four), he called in the morning, then around noon, then again about 15 minutes ago (pulling my hair out)..WTF!

I'm only surprised that he turned crazy so quickly, I didn't even see this one coming.....I feel like he might just shave his head and enter rehab or something! Just step away from the phone and take your pills John, all will be okay soon.

Two For One Special

A lot of my friends still talk to their exes and are all still friendly with them, this to me is a foreign concept considering the fact that almost all of my exes are crazier than any of Britney's personalities. But then there are also the general idiots that while they are not crazy - they remain an "ex" for a reason and there is no reason to ever contact them.

One particular ex attained both special qualities of being an idiot and a psycho - I got the two for one special that day. That was David and because we dated for a while, we knew each other pretty well and had a great time together. At least until one night when he started hitting on a good friend of mine and asked her for her number....while in my home, and in my presence! Such a fucking idiot. So after everyone left that night, David stayed behind and expected to have sex. Umm....are you fucking kidding me?? He actually had the audacity to tell me that he didn't think that I would mind or care. Okay, so maybe he was a little bit more delusional than I thought, that's actually putting it nicely because I called him lots of things that night in many different vocabularies and languages for that matter.

After about six months and many failed attempts, David finally stopped contacting me. But it only lasted a while until I got a couple of 'drunk and dial' messages from him in the middle of the night; he left messages of PORN videos playing in the background. Yup, that's right, PORN with girls screaming in the background either "fuck me now" or just screaming to God and just shouting the general "yes, fuck me harder!"

What is wrong with you?

Okay crazy, take your pills and step away from the porn videos. Get a girlfriend (the kind that doesn't blow up) and move on.

On a scale of one to crazy - he ranked pretty high on my list!

Drama at the Funeral Home

Well, no male psycho stories would be complete without a Gio story. We were together ages ago, for about 3 years...on and off. And it was sweet at first and then it got ugly and then the third time we tried it out again...well, he was a full-fledge psycho. Yea, many stories involve him....but one incident stood out the most. One night he got really pissed off at me because i was going out to a club with my friends...and blah, blah, blah he wound up following me. As the night went on, I saw his face appear through the crowd while I was on the dance floor. No one else saw him and my friends thought i was just drunk. Not the case. Sure enough, we go back to my car, and the window is smashed in. Our purses and wallets and valuables were left in the car, untouched. However a bag with my books were taken. WTF? I didn't understand or know what was going on...but i did see a pack of marlboro cigs that were left in the backseat...i didn't smoke them but i knew who did.

The next day, I received a phone call from the manager of a Funeral home. Yes, Funeral Home. He said that someone dropped off a stack of books on their doorstep that night. He got my number off a note left in a book...I had to go to the Funeral home to pick up my stuff and it was soooo spooky walking in there. I checked out all the pages in the books and I later found the note with my number (not my handwriting) and some creepy words too....well Gio of course denied it forever. Who does that? crazy psycho!

You would think that I would have learned my lesson, but sadly a few months later we tried yet another crazy round. Those stories require a bottle of vodka and some southern comfort, maybe some whiskey....and a shot of tequila...maybe three.

Yup -- sooner or later, the CRAAAAAAZY just comes out and kicks you in the ass!

UUUmm, Are You Kidding?

Okay this story is way overdue, for many reasons.....he followed a previous psycho that i met this summer and ultimately due to my brief hiatus.

I met Richard on my birthday, he bought me a drink and we kept texting each other all night while I was bar hopping. Instant attraction, the typical tall, dark and handsome. After I stumbled into bed at about 5:30am, he sent me the last text message "never got to give you a birthday kiss...let's go out tonight and celebrate your birthday over dinner" So i was drunk but still sober enough to realize a drunken date via text at 5:30 am is not really something I wanted to respond to.

After about two weeks of email exchanges and phone calls...he and his friend met up with me and one of my girlfriends. He went to get a drink, his friend went to the bathroom and some random guy started talking to me and my girlfriend, just friendly chatting and actually he seemed to be interested in my friend. Well after about 30 minutes, I never heard or saw Richard again, until he finally sent me a deranged text message "i saw you talking to another guy, i come out to see you and you start flirting with another guy, so I left."

Okay first of all, are you kidding? And secondly, are you fucking kidding me?

I didn't respond and kept on with my night until he met me outside with some guy who walked me to a cab and started an argument and caused the biggest scene. Psycho Richard finally leaves, and then this stupid idiot who walked me to my cab hopped in and insisted we go back to his place! WTF? Who are you again??? The cab driver eventually had to come over and pull this guy out of the cab.

There may have been a full moon out that night, but it's the only explanation for two psychos in one night.

Men really do suck :P

7 Messages from Jack The Psycho

Remember that scene in the movie Swingers with Jon Favreau leaving ridiculous messages on the girls answering machine? Yea, I totally gave that psycho my number. His name was Jack, and actually we never even went out on a date, I met him at a club and we exchanged numbers. Well, that Monday night I came home to about 7 messages on my machine… all from Jack.

And it started something like this….. “Hi this is Jack, we met on Saturday night and I just wanted to call you and say hi and chat, maybe we can go out for dinner, I know a great place that just opened up and I'd love to take you there. Give me a call and hopefully we can get to know each other.”

2nd Message, about 30 minutes later…. “Hi, it’s Jack again, just checking to see if you’re around, give me a call when you get home, would love to talk to you.”

3rd Message…. “Hi it’s Jack. My friend just came over and we’re cooking some food, I wanted to invite you over for some home cooking, and we can hang out. Okay call me when you get a chance.”

4th Message... “Hi, this is Jack’s friend, Tony, I came over to Jack’s and he’s cooking some dinner and, if you’re around you should come over and join us. Jack is a great guy, you guys should talk. So when you get home, give Jack a call, okay bye.” (with Jack in the background shouting 'call me')

5th message... “Hey, me jack again - my friend left, but if you still want to come over, I have a bottle of wine, umm okay well just call me back.”

6th.... “hey, so I don’t know if you are ignoring me or if you are really busy, but just checking in. ok, call me.”

7th..... “I’m going to bed now and wanted to tell you to ‘go fuck yourself’ and don’t bother calling me!”


Yes girls, all these messages in the course of about 5 hours --- Painful, but true.