3.05.2008

Oh Holy Hot In Hell


I'd like to thank the scandalous gods of the internet who have uncovered all of Javier Bardem's best assets.....what a FINE man he is! Oh yea, and not a bad actor either.

More pics found on DLISTED.com

3.02.2008

Psycho Alert

My radar is going off like bells and whistles...there is a new psycho in the area! I met John four days ago, at a bar (i never learn my lesson) and I stupidly gave him my phone number (i need an intervention).

He called me the following day and we talked for about an hour, he's nice and funny, but something was missing. Then he called me again the next day, we only spoke for about 30 minutes and I had to get off because I was meeting friends. He asked me to call him when I get home, no matter how late (um okay that's weird). I got home late and drunk and did not want to talk to him.

The very next morning, he sends me a text message....at about 9am on a saturday (WTF). I was hung over and not in the mood, so he lost all kinds of points. Then later he called with a restricted number and I picked up (like an idiot). I cut him off after about 15 minutes because I had to run out and meet some friends. Today (day four), he called in the morning, then around noon, then again about 15 minutes ago (pulling my hair out)..WTF!

I'm only surprised that he turned crazy so quickly, I didn't even see this one coming.....I feel like he might just shave his head and enter rehab or something! Just step away from the phone and take your pills John, all will be okay soon.

2.19.2008

Cheaters

The other day I was watching the hilarious TV show, Cheaters, and thought how lucky I was that the show didn't exist when I dated Henry. He was cheating on me with my best friend, Shavon, who's boyfriend (Tony) secretly sent me roses every week. But when I found out, all hell did not break loose, I just walked away from everyone. And I never looked back.

And although I never got to knock anyone out, or rip anyone's head off, or bash anyone against the wall, or kick anyone's nuts, I definitely had the last laugh. And after a few rounds of Tequila Sunrise (my drink of choice at the time) I realized my life was less stressful and much happier. I was especially smitten after everyone found out that skanky cheating slut, Shavon, was pregnant and didn't know who the father was! Yea, they definitely belonged on Jerry Springer. And Henry, well I already described his post-traumatic break-up psycho story about how he stalked me the following year (crazy cheating psychos always return with a vengeance).

In the end, it was my female intuition that led me to the conclusion that Henry was definitely creepin around....and since men are stupid, it was easy to get it out of him. But for those of you who may need some extra help, I came across this article from one of my favorite blogs: Dave Zinczenko's Mysteries of the Sexes Explained

It's an eye-opener, but I don't totally buy it all, it's the female intuition that is much more reliable! Just make sure you change your phone number after you break up with his lying dumb ass!

2.15.2008

Post Valentines Ramblings


Happy Belated Valentines' Day!

I hope everyone had a great day celebrating love. I woke up to a few text messages of non-crazy love wishes, which made my day. All day long, love was in the air, I saw roses and chocolates and teddy bears being delivered and it warmed my little grinch heart. But my favorite part of the day was during work while I was stressed out trying to manage all my difficult clients, I received a Valentine's Day e-card from a dear friend....and it is my all-time favorite card, ever!

After I called it quits on my stressful work day, I met up with a friend and had some drinks while we discussed Valentine's ghosts of past, present and future. And then we topped it off with my current situation with a possible future psycho in the brewing. I think I should nip it in the bud now (but then again I never learn my lesson), when all of a sudden I laid my eyes on what could be my future ex-boyfriend. Oh boy was he delicious! To quote Vince Vaughn, "he just eye-fucked the shit out of me!" Note to self: go back to that bar and get his status.

I eventually stumbled home and contemplated breaking out the rabbit but I fell asleep before I can finish my thought - boo. So that was my day this year....all in all a pretty good Valentine's Day. Much better than the time when I waited all night for my boyfriend to come home but instead he was busy screwing my best friend. But that's another story and I would have to dig up the old police report for fact-checking.

SEX DIARIES - NY MAG

Oh and I have to introduce you to my favorite new ramblings from NY Magazine, entitled simply "Sex Diaries." If you haven't checked it out yet, I strongly advise it, it sure puts a huge smile on my face! I can especially relate to their recent posting which includes:

- 10 p.m.: Contemplate masturbating, pass out before I can summon the strength to find my vibrator.

- 2:46 p.m.: Potential BF and I emerge from bedroom after hour-long sex. Love the fact that he doesn't seem to need/want anal.


and my favorite:

-6:48 p.m.: Vent to best friend, agree to refrain from taking his calls. Fall asleep remembering the way he could flip me across the bed with one hand.


You can read the full story here:
http://nymag.com/daily/intel/2008/02/the_multiorgasmic_woman_testdr.html#more


Hope Everyone got some Hot Piece of Ass!!

2.11.2008

Two For One Special

A lot of my friends still talk to their exes and are all still friendly with them, this to me is a foreign concept considering the fact that almost all of my exes are crazier than any of Britney's personalities. But then there are also the general idiots that while they are not crazy - they remain an "ex" for a reason and there is no reason to ever contact them.

One particular ex attained both special qualities of being an idiot and a psycho - I got the two for one special that day. That was David and because we dated for a while, we knew each other pretty well and had a great time together. At least until one night when he started hitting on a good friend of mine and asked her for her number....while in my home, and in my presence! Such a fucking idiot. So after everyone left that night, David stayed behind and expected to have sex. Umm....are you fucking kidding me?? He actually had the audacity to tell me that he didn't think that I would mind or care. Okay, so maybe he was a little bit more delusional than I thought, that's actually putting it nicely because I called him lots of things that night in many different vocabularies and languages for that matter.

After about six months and many failed attempts, David finally stopped contacting me. But it only lasted a while until I got a couple of 'drunk and dial' messages from him in the middle of the night; he left messages of PORN videos playing in the background. Yup, that's right, PORN with girls screaming in the background either "fuck me now" or just screaming to God and just shouting the general "yes, fuck me harder!"

What is wrong with you?

Okay crazy, take your pills and step away from the porn videos. Get a girlfriend (the kind that doesn't blow up) and move on.

On a scale of one to crazy - he ranked pretty high on my list!

1.17.2008

Renaldo The Idol

This guys is AWESOME!! I think I dated him once...
He's a different kinda crazy!


1.16.2008

When To Dump Him

I just read this article about 'when it's time to your boyfriend'....and I have to say it was definitely my chuckle of the day. I mean the article doesn't say anything that a woman shouldn't already know, come on if your man has two phones and ignores you....umm yea it's time to go. But then again, I would just stop returning phone calls when I was done with a guy. Once I even waited for my boyfriend to return from vacation to tell him that I started dating someone else. What -- I thought that we were on a break? Well, in my defense, we didn't see too much of each other and he was a little dumb - okay extremely dumb. He just happened to make up for it in other ways ;)

Anyway, back to my story - one of my ex-boyfriends once missed Valentine's Day, without a phone call and didn't even give a proper explanation or apology. He actually told me that he "fell asleep." Yes, that is what he told me. I knew he was obviously screwing some little tramp. So I just calmly and collectively told him that I was done with him and his sorry ass - and I threw the diamond bracelet he gave me down the sewer. I wish I had a camera because the look on his face was priceless! And even though he stalked me for a year, beat up my next boyfriend and threatened my life, Henry eventually got the hint and left me alone.

But I think it was the restraining order that finally made him succumb to our very imminent break up....I'm still not sure.

Anyhow, if you ladies aren't sure when it's time to call it quits....maybe this article will help you out:

When Is It Time To Dump Him? (Men's Helath Magazine)

And girls, in case you didn't already know, they always come back...so beware because the crazy also follows!

1.11.2008

Worst Date With Ed The Prick

So one of my friends does the online dating thing and she was telling me about one of her worst date experiences...I don’t do the online dating thing because I meet enough crazy psychos every day. Unfortunately, I can still top her worst date.

I met this idiot, Ed, at a bar after my friends and I drank a lot...big mistake. He called me a couple days later and he seemed to have a sense of humor, so I figured I would give it a shot. Well, it was around the Holidays and the tree at Rockefeller was being lit that night, so went there first. I know, it’s a korny date, but I wanted to see the tree because I heart Christmas and wish I could have a huge tree in my apt. Anyway, he seemed very nice and polite and charming and chivalrous, that is until we went to dinner and started drinking. He started pounding beers….many beers, and soon enough, he was as lit as the tree that night. His real true colors started to shine and when he laughed, he squealed as loudly as the pig he turned out to be. He was such an asshole and obnoxious and pompous and arrogant and just as I was conjuring up an idea of how to leave early...his arrogance got in the way and he made a bet to see how many girls he can actually pick up in one night. Sweet! -- I immediately got all gitty because I knew that he was gonna go down in flames! Hardcore! And I couldn’t wait to see it (insert evil laugh).

So I agreed of course - and he went to the bar and tried to talk to a couple of girls...got shot down each time...and I laughed and laughed... and he got mad and kept trying. So to speed things up a bit, and to continue my own reign of amusement, I went to the bar, made friends with three girls immediately and brought them back to the table. I then triumphantly called Ed over to join us. I also told him that one of them really liked him but that he would have to figure out which one >;) I know I’m evil, but it was well worth it!! So he tried, desperately, and pathetically to make the moves on these girls. They didn’t pay too much attention to him and declared me as one of their BFF’s – I also found out that they lived around the corner from me in Brooklyn. So after Ed bought us all rounds and rounds of drinks and shots...Ed made his last desperate attempt to take us home and said “Hey how about we go back to my place” – quickly everyone started coming up with their excuses as to why they couldn't. At that point, victory was mine and I couldn’t watch this sad little exhibition anymore, I told him I was getting a headache and had to go home. Immediately, the girls got up and all said the same thing and followed me...leaving Ed to himself – with the check and his sad little lonely table. The girls and I wound up going back to Brooklyn together and then we hit the local bar and had a blast. And we made fun of “Ed the Prick” all night long.

Ed continued to call me for a couple of weeks without getting the hint that I wasn’t interested. Until I finally just came right out and said no, and then he had the audacity to say “well, how about we just have sex?”

Idiots, they are all idiots.

1.02.2008

Different Kinda Crazy...

I came across this good old fashioned "dear abbey" style blog and was pretty happy to know I'm not the only one that feels this way. It is actually possible to want to dump a guy who's just TOO into you.

I always feel a little bad when I bring up Adam, he was cute and sweet, very sweet, too freaking sweet. Okay he drove me crazy. He was over enthusiastic every time we hung out, he was always so freaking chipper and he was always telling me how wonderful I was...and that is just a bit much. I was a little bitchy to him, not on purpose, but just because he got so annoying. He lived outside of NY so I thought it would have been perfect because we didn't have to see each other all the time. Yea that's what I thought, however, he called all the damn time, day and night. I didn't want a boyfriend, and all of a sudden, boom, he was introducing me to his friends and family as his girlfriend. Wait, What? We never had that conversation. He would call me whenever he was "in the area" to see if we could meet up for dinner or coffee. OMG, it was just way TOO much and he drove me absolutely insane. Later, I found out that he was telling his brothers and his father and even his uncle about our sex life...umm WTF?

I couldn't get rid of him fast enough. So okay, to him I will always be the "cold-hearted bitch" - from what i hear - but if it went on any longer... i might have suffocated him in the middle of the night with a freaking pillow. I think we both won in the end.

Anyway I'm just so happy that this writer agrees, you can check out there story here: DEAR SUGAR: HE'S TOO INTO ME!

Sharing is Caring

From psychos, to stalkers, to just little crazy, if there is something mentally wrong with them, they find me and are immediately drawn in. I don't know how to stop it, but I've decided to no longer hold onto these gems. Instead, I've decided to 'out' these individuals and share my WTF moments of the day.

The stories are True, the names are Unchanged and the message is clear "Sooner or later, the crazy just comes out."